I’m in the middle of a women’s study on The Mom Factor
I wrote character words around the outside of mine, colored my public face purple (duh) and used a variety of colors to represent my insides. The mask I wear for the “public” isn’t fake or a contrived persona. It’s just the best part of me—the parts my parents would be proud of. Inside? I’m a big, hot mess. I bill my competitive streak as tenacity. I cover up my confusion with determination. And, I hide my hurt with defiance.
What’s interesting to me, though, is that I’m completely open, honest and transparent here. In our discussion, I think I nailed down the reason. Here, you can only stop reading. And, I’m okay with that. In real life? People have the power to hurt me. Here, I can hide behind my computer and pretend no one reads my words. Out there? In the real world? What if they don’t like me?
So, I blog. I blog about the things I can’t talk about to people in my life. I blog about the things I’m excited about but think no one else will care. I blog about the worst parts of me I wouldn’t admit to my best friend. Because it’s freeing. And, sometimes? I find that people do care. People do relate. And? People still like me. So, I’m working on taking off the mask in real life a little.
If I hadn’t been real, if I weren’t all me with MFJ, we wouldn’t be planning a vacation together right now. If I hadn’t opened up, made myself vulnerable and let Spencer see all of me, we wouldn’t have reconnected the way we did. Yes, even the hubby was kept at a distance—out of fear, mostly. I’ve been letting it go a little, peeking out from behind my mask and thrilled to find that he loves me anyway.
What does your mask look like? What are you hiding from?
This is a beautiful post! I completely understand what you are saying, as I am very similar. Outwardly I am all the things I don’t see inwardly. I have amazing friends that boost me up, but I tear myself down more frequently. Thank you for sharing and letting other people know that even though we are true and honest and real on the outside often it is how we are on the inside that causes us the pain.
Be well my beautiful friend! So glad to have met you at BlissDom ’10!
Love this post Heather. I can completely and totally relate to it through and through. 🙂
I will always love you.
Let’s pretend I didn’t just sing that in my head.
I think that we all try to hide the parts of ourselves that we are least proud of. It is the people who love us that love even the scary, more unrefined parts.. Your post explains brilliantly what we all fear.
Yes.
Exactly. Yes.
I think you must be the daughter I forgot to check in the cabbage patch for. What a wonderful post, Heather! And talk about striking a chord. . . . .