Just Heather

Summer is a rough time around here. My kids are very into their routines and thrive on structure. When things change, it typically takes a couple weeks to iron out the rough patches and get into a new routine. So when school ends, it takes about half the summer to get settled and then we spend the rest of the summer preparing for school. Summer seems to drag on with no rhyme or reason, days blend into days, and I’m left with restless kids running in and out of my house all day long.

My solution this year was to schedule the summer a bit. It gives it more structure & routine and reminds me to actually get out there and do stuff with the girls instead of just hanging around the house counting down the days until school begins again. On Tuesdays, we head to Regal Cinemas for the free family film festival. On Thursdays we hit a local park—we are so blessed to live in an area with 2 great park systems.

On Wednesdays or Fridays we go to the library, depending on which day has the most exciting activity schedule. Last week was Jungle John and his Care of Magical Creatures. The girls saw a dragon, an owl, and a the big hit of the day—a tarantula. Our library sponsors great specials all summer, plus the girls have each earned the first prize level in the summer reading program already.

The idea seems to be helping. They are having fun summer experiences even though we have no vacation plans. Plus, I am keeping them busy enough to warrant an afternoon nap most days—which, as we all know, results in quiet time for Mommy. Now if only I could use that time to get caught up enough on my scrapbooks to records our summer fun activities.

4:00am: Summoned by vomitting Stacia
4:15am: Gag while attempting to cleanup said vomit
4:20am: Decide cleanup can wait until morning
4:21am: Settle sick kid onto my floor
5:15am: Stacia pukes again
5:20am: Settle sick kid onto floor once again
7:15am: Early morning wakeup call by baby
7:20am: Baby back to sleep. God bless her favorite lullaby CD.
7:25am: Attempt to go back to sleep
8:15am: Brenia awake for the day
8:20am: Convince her to play quietly in her room
8:21am: Briefly wonder at her aquiescence; call school to inform them of sick kid’s absence
8:25am: Attempt to go back to sleep
8:45am: Awake to Stacia vomitting
9:00am: Breakfast for non-sick kids
9:15am: Launder puked-on bedding/clothes that shouldn’t have been on the floor
9:25am: Throw away puked-on toys that shouldn’t have been on the floor
9:30am: Spray carpet cleaner on the floor
9:35am: Call pediatrician for medical instructions
10:15am: Hubby awake—also sick—announces intention to take a bath in hopes of relieving what ails him
10:45am: Walk in on hubby taking a shower
11:15am: Notice a familiar dripping sound
11:16am: Mad-dash around the dining room to save all pictures from massive water damage coming through the ceiling
11:20am: Frantic phone calls to plumber, water restoration, and insurance company
12:00pm: Plumber arrives
12:30pm: Lunch for non-sick kiddos
1:00pm: After cutting giant hole in dining room ceiling to access pipes, plumber determines there is no leak
1:15pm: Plumber finds several cracks in bathtub
1:30pm: Hubby pissed that the one time he takes a bath it leaks, while my nightly bubble baths do nothing
1:45pm: Pay said plumber; show Chem-Dry into the wet area
2:00pm: Wonder how an $84 plumbing diagnostic fee became $127 when he didn’t actually fix anything
2:45pm: naptime for all kids
3:15pm: Instructions from Chem-Dry for 3-5 days of industrial fans and dehumidifer—again
3:30pm: Collapse onto couch for much-needed nap
3:32pm: Snack for baby
4:00pm: Nap for baby
4:15pm: Collapse onto bed for much-needed nap
4:20pm: Console non-sleeping baby
4:25pm: Collapse onto bed for much-needed nap
4:30pm: Console non-sleeping baby
4:35pm: Collapse onto bed for much-needed nap
5:00pm: Awakened by sickling to turn on the downstairs television
5:05pm: Find hubby asleep on the couch right next to the remote for said television
5:10pm: Retrieve fussy baby; Realize “lunch” consisted solely of milk
5:11pm: Feed baby
5:20pm: Start dinner
5:50pm: Realize starting dinner meant deciding what to fix while juggling baby on hip; attempt to put fussy baby down so I can actually cook something
6:00pm: Peel potatoes since for mashing as it’s about the only thing the sicklings will eat
6:15pm: Marvel at the disaster that is my house
6:45pm: Give up on any sense of routine and put baby to bed early
6:50pm: Wish I could end the day and go to bed early myself

Alternate title: Lost.

That’s how I feel sometimes—like I’ve lost myself to this person people keep calling Mom. I’m no longer Heather—I’m Mrs. Sokol, Stacia’s Mom, Brenia’s Keeper, Lorelai’s Milk Jugs—but what about me? Am I still in there somewhere?

Last year’s piercings were a half-hearted attempt to reassert myself as an individual. I can do this because I want to. It was something that wasn’t wrapped up in my children, wasn’t dependent on s0meone else’s schedule or approval—it was all mine. Last week I died my hair red for the same reason. It almost turned out purple and I think I might have enjoyed that even more. It’s finally settled into an auburn of sorts. Clearly not natural, definitely unique—it’s all my own.

Next year, maybe I’ll get a tattoo—just kidding, Mom!

I feel like a caterpillar. I’ve spent the last 8 years cocooned in motherhood—nursing babies, changing diapers, cleaning bodily fluids, driving carpool, cheering at soccer games, filming musical performances—that I sort of got lost in there. I can’t even remember who I used to be or what it was I did. I know there was something—I didn’t spend my first 20 years waiting to be a mom. It just sort of happened.

I came out the other side completely transformed. My interests became their interests. My life became theirs. My happiness was suddenly dependent on the well-being of these little creatures who call me Mom. Yet, I don’t feel like a butterfly. I just feel lost. I keep searching for me. Waiting for things to go back to normal, whatever that may be.

Becoming a parent changes you. That much I knew going in. What I didn’t truly get was that the change is permanent! I think somewhere in the back of my mind I thought I’d get the kids in school and go back to being Just Heather. Except, I don’t know her anymore.

If I could just glimpse a few pieces of who I used to be, maybe I’ll finally see the beauty of it all.

If you want to know why I am currently surrounded by 8 industrial fans and 2 dehumidifiers, you should let Brenia tell you in her own words. It has been a rough couple of days, but at least I didn’t have to cook dinner Thursday night—every pan in my house was filled with water in the living room floor!

We are looking at several thousand dollars worth of cleanup and repairs (most of which will, thankfully, be covered by our insurance), but at least the bathroom floor the girls had already destroyed is being replaced! It also gave my hubby the motivation he needed to remove the bathtub that hasn’t been used since it cracked several months ago.

I’m choosing to make lemonade here. I’m squeezing really, really hard, but those lemons are starting to juice.

‘Nuff said.

It’s been a real good news/bad news day:

The good news is the girls appear to be getting over their sore throats without a trip to the doctor. The bad news is I now have what they had. In spades.

The good news is a decent-sized check we were awaiting has arrived earlier than expected. The bad news is it still doesn’t make a dent in the medical bills we’ve accumulated.

The good news is my laptop replacement cord arrived today. The bad news is that is not the only problem-it’s still having trouble making a connection, but at least it powers up (for now).

The good news is Lorelai is once again sleeping through the night. The bad news is she is apparently making up the nutrition by nursing every 2 hours during the day.

I’m just going to veg out, attempt to take a nap and hope when I wake the good outweighs the bad.

Just when things were looking up—Brenia is finally better, Lorelai is beginning to sleep through the night, and Stacia is back at school after a seemingly endless winter break—it all starts over again.

Stacia came home from school yesterday, sick, with a tale of woe that was sure to be the highlight of every dinner conversation in the neighborhood—she threw up on the bus. A quick check determined she had no fever and the look I’ve seen a million times screamed sinus drainage. Such is life with allergies. She was fighting with her sister again by the time daddy came home so she’s at school today.

Brenia, on the other hand, is feeling crummy and home for the day. Not that she had big plans, but I was really looking forward to the start of the new session of my Bible study. I guess I’ll jump in next week. It wouldn’t have been much fun with Lorelai fussing all morning anyway. She’s pretty stuffy too, and, from the looks of things, will probably be dealing with allergies her entire life as well. It’s possible I can chalk hers up to teething since it is coupled with enough drool to fill a bucket, but I don’t have high hopes.

This was not supposed to happen, you know. I don’t let these kids gnaw on my boobs 10 times a day when they’re born to live a life of daily medication and regular trips to the doctor. I’m pretty sure when I got talked into this, I read somewhere that breastfed kids are healthier. What a crock of shit. This child has had exactly 12 ounces of formula her entire life, and always mixed with boobie milk. Nonetheless, she’s been sick twice now and she’s not even 3 months old.

Of course, with her utter lack of patience I don’t have a choice anyway. She’s very much into instant gratification. I can’t imagine listening to those screams while I dash off to prepare a bottle. Much easier to pop a boob into her mouth and move on with our lives. Have boobs, will travel. We won’t even discuss the ridiculous cost of formula—$11.99 for a small can of powder!—versus the free milk God gave me. I’m in this one for the long haul, allergies and all.

I asked my family last night what their favorite part of 2005 had been. Spencer says, “Um, I don’t know.”

I’m thinking how about baby Lorelai or watching our toddler turn into a little girl or maybe watching our first born mature into a not-so-little girl. Oh, wait. Those are mine. I guess he’ll get back to me on that one. Stacia’s favorite thing was spending time with her family. Brenia had 3 favorites : “the new year, new car, and eating stuff.” That’s my girl!

Now is the time for New Year’s resolutions. I don’t make normal resolutions. I don’t see the point in making a declaration that is only going to stress you out and make you feel guilty when you inevitably fail a few months later. I prefer to make fun, easy to keep resolutions. One year I resolved to stop wearing underwear because it sucks. I’ve kept that one to this day. Another year I resolved to take a bubble bath nightly. I don’t get to it every, single night, but I certainly do my best.

I haven’t come up with anything for this year. I do want to get back into a yoga routine, but it’s not about losing the last of the baby weight or even the quiet meditation. I just like how much better I feel on a regular exercise routine. The other benefits are just a bonus. I need to come up with something more fun though because that reeks too much of a traditional New Year’s resolution. Maybe this year I’ll resolve not to pick up dirty socks that didn’t get that way on my own two feet. That sounds fun.