Just Heather

Earlier this week, I checked on the girls (two of mine and the extra I have 3 days a week) to find them playing school with Brenia’s desk. My friend’s little girl informed me that she was going to be a teacher when she grew up. A common goal for little kids-bossing around the other kids is such fun when it’s your turn to be teacher!

That statement was immediately followed by, “When Brenia grows up, she’s going to date a boy!”

I turn to find my middle child—decked out in full princess attire from the crown on her head to the glass slippers on her toes—grinning with a gleam in her eye. “Yep!” she agreed a bit too quickly.

We’re in so much trouble.

I love that she can’t tell time yet. It allows things like this to actually work:
Me: You don’t have to sleep, but you do have to lay in your bed until 3.
Her: I don’t want to lay in my bed until 3!
Me: I’m sorry. It is quiet time. You have to lay in your bed until 3.
Her: But I want to lay in my bed until 4!
Me: Okay!
Her: Thanks, Mommy.

Now, she will quietly count the minutes until she falls asleep, and I will sadly count the days until she knows that 4 is longer than 3. I’m such a mean mommy.

Alternate title: Lost.

That’s how I feel sometimes—like I’ve lost myself to this person people keep calling Mom. I’m no longer Heather—I’m Mrs. Sokol, Stacia’s Mom, Brenia’s Keeper, Lorelai’s Milk Jugs—but what about me? Am I still in there somewhere?

Last year’s piercings were a half-hearted attempt to reassert myself as an individual. I can do this because I want to. It was something that wasn’t wrapped up in my children, wasn’t dependent on s0meone else’s schedule or approval—it was all mine. Last week I died my hair red for the same reason. It almost turned out purple and I think I might have enjoyed that even more. It’s finally settled into an auburn of sorts. Clearly not natural, definitely unique—it’s all my own.

Next year, maybe I’ll get a tattoo—just kidding, Mom!

I feel like a caterpillar. I’ve spent the last 8 years cocooned in motherhood—nursing babies, changing diapers, cleaning bodily fluids, driving carpool, cheering at soccer games, filming musical performances—that I sort of got lost in there. I can’t even remember who I used to be or what it was I did. I know there was something—I didn’t spend my first 20 years waiting to be a mom. It just sort of happened.

I came out the other side completely transformed. My interests became their interests. My life became theirs. My happiness was suddenly dependent on the well-being of these little creatures who call me Mom. Yet, I don’t feel like a butterfly. I just feel lost. I keep searching for me. Waiting for things to go back to normal, whatever that may be.

Becoming a parent changes you. That much I knew going in. What I didn’t truly get was that the change is permanent! I think somewhere in the back of my mind I thought I’d get the kids in school and go back to being Just Heather. Except, I don’t know her anymore.

If I could just glimpse a few pieces of who I used to be, maybe I’ll finally see the beauty of it all.

Hi, my name is Lorelai. I’m a pacifierholic.

To the ever-growing list of things I never thought I’d say before I had children:

Get that out of your mouth—it’s been up Lorelai’s nose!

Happy Birthday, Spencer!

Well, it came as no surprise to hear that Edgerrin James had signed a deal with another team. The surprise—dare I say shock—came when I heard which team. When I first heard he was in talks with the Cardinals I honestly thought it was a joke. When I realized he was actually in Arizona, I figured he just wanted everyone in the NFL to know he was shopping. When I heard he signed a deal with them, my jaw nearly hit the floor.

The Cardinals? Is he freaking kidding me?! They are the absolute epitome of a non-competitor. What, exactly, does he think he will gain there? Does he really expect to put up big numbers on a team that was dead last in rushing this year? He can’t go it alone. Maybe, as my dad said, it’s all a matter of “show me the money,” but I can’t imagine being happy raking in the big bucks on a bad team. Especially when most of your salary will be eaten up in personal travel expenses so you can get out of Arizona. It’s called the Desert Southwest for a reason. I’m thinking the big fish/small pond scenario has some allure to it.

We have no shortage of talent around here, though holding onto them with the current salary cap has proven to be a challenge. I’m starting to think the loss of Larry Tripplett and David Thornton will be more detrimental than losing the Edge. Just when we were really building a defense—showing some actual talent in that area—the team is dismantling. We’ve built these guys into marketable players, but now we can’t afford them. It would appear as if we’re protecting a bit of our salary room to renegotiate with Dwight Freeney, who will be a free agent next off-season.

We’ve struggled with defense for years. To come so far only to have it ripped apart isn’t good for the level of play or team morale. On the other hand, losing Edgerrin changes our game. We don’t just rely on the yards. We rely on his run game to setup the play action Peyton does so well. I’m just not sure anyone else can pull that off quite the same. Dominic Rhodes showed a lot of promise when James was out in 2001 so we shall see. We’ll have to pick someone up in the draft to help him out, seeing as James Mungro is also a free agent this year. Though what caliber player we could draft as low as we’ll be placed remains to be seen.

It all sucks, though not as much as rumors of our special teams’ loss. That one will devastate me. Mike Vanderjagt is hands down the single hottest player in the NFL, possibly in all of professional sports—and he’s Canadian to boot! He is NFL’s most accurate kicker, the Colts’ leading scorer, and an all around great guy. He would be a fantastic loss to not only the team, but our entire community. It may very well split my loyalties.

I’ve always been a hometown fan. Not in a fair-weather fan, they’re-undefeated-don’t-I-own-something-blue kind of way. Rain or shine, I’ll watch week after week—football and basketball. When the chips are down, I’ll still cheer them on, but as the team gets shipped all across the country a la Pacers Y2K I just may have to follow some of my boys. I can only console myself with the knowledge that they weren’t purposefully dismantled like the Eastern Conference champion Pacers. We just don’t have the cap room to keep it together.

If you want to know why I am currently surrounded by 8 industrial fans and 2 dehumidifiers, you should let Brenia tell you in her own words. It has been a rough couple of days, but at least I didn’t have to cook dinner Thursday night—every pan in my house was filled with water in the living room floor!

We are looking at several thousand dollars worth of cleanup and repairs (most of which will, thankfully, be covered by our insurance), but at least the bathroom floor the girls had already destroyed is being replaced! It also gave my hubby the motivation he needed to remove the bathtub that hasn’t been used since it cracked several months ago.

I’m choosing to make lemonade here. I’m squeezing really, really hard, but those lemons are starting to juice.