Just Heather
2
Guess How Much I Love You
Dec 23, 2005 | Filed Under: Fashion Disaster, Love Him, Sibling Love

Actual Conversations I have had with family members:

Me: I really don’t want to look like the frumpy big sister with all those kids when Robbie gets married next year. I’m going to take Lexie shopping and have her pick out something for me.
Mom: Oh, good!

Me: I finally got the girls to sleep at the same time this afternoon.
Him: That’s good.
Me: Yeah, except I didn’t take a nap like I’ve been trying to do for the last 6 weeks. I showered instead.
Him: Um, okay.
Me: So tonight when I’m complaining about how tired I am, remind me that I smell good.
Him: Right!

Her: Hello?
Me: Are you sure you can wear this vest with a hoodie because I look like a Grade-A Moron?
Her: Um, hi.
Me: Sorry, hi, sis. I look stupid.
Her: That outfit flatters everyone. I’m sure you look cute and you just don’t know it because…you just don’t know.
Me: Are you saying I’ve never looked cute before so I wouldn’t know it when I see it?
Her: Well, not that rude, but yeah!

Me: Are you mad because my celebrity list is so long?
Him: No, I just don’t think you could ever get a celebrity.

Feel the love, baby!

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Dude, where’s my lunch?
Dec 15, 2005 | Filed Under: Checking Out, Love Him, Picky Eater

Today, for the second day in a row, I actually remember that I, myself, need to eat lunch when I feed my little ones. I reach into the fridge to grab my leftover chicken noodles only to discover they are nonexistent. Apparently, he decided he was more worthy of the meal than I even though I just spent $22 on 15 meals to stock the freezer for him.

Never mind that it trashed my rule of “nothing over a dollar” when I did my grocery shopping this week, thereby completely throwing off my savings calculations for the month. Never mind that since I knew he would take them to lunch every day I didn’t bother to get a single meal I would actually eat myself. Never mind that I am a nursing mother and in desperate need of nutrition. By all means, eat what you like. I’ll just grab something else.

Except we all know that once my original idea went out the window I got distracted and forgot to eat again. (Look! Something shiny!) I guess I could just be happy with today’s news that I’ve lost 25 of my 34 baby pounds. Not that my failure to eat lunch really has anything to do with it. I generally make up the calories with a giant bag of potato chips or these yummy, generic oreo cookies. Not to mention the great deals I’m finding on Christmas candy, which—let’s face it—will never actually last long enough to get in the stockings!

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4
If You Make Fun of Me 13 or 14 More Times
Dec 12, 2005 | Filed Under: Love Him, Media Matters, My Biz

Go ahead. Make fun of my shopping habits, but I’ve saved $6000 so far this year on my grocery bill. That may not buy a house, but it means the difference between staying at home with my three girls and getting a part-time job.

Rachael alerted me to the fact that my picture was included in an article on The Onion. Go figure. I get interviewed on national television, compared to Michael Jordan in the Chicago Tribune, and picked up as a syndicated article by the AP but it takes appearing on the front page of The Onion to impress him.

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3
Bah Humbug
Dec 06, 2005 | Filed Under: Family Ties, Hectic Holidays, Road Trip

The holidays should be all about family. They should be fun and relaxing, what with not having to work and all. Instead they are stressful, tiring and full of headaches. They end up being about which in-laws you can piss off the most.

Each year we load up the car with children and presents to travel…somewhere on Christmas day. One year it’s my family, the next year it’s his. It’s tiresome, but the one year we attempted to put our foots down and go nowhere it just didn’t work out. We ended up going to his grandmother’s house—in our pajamas—anyway. On a full year, we have 6 rounds of Christmas in addition to our quick morning at home after Santa has visited.

This year Round 1 is this weekend. Despite the fact that it is 2 weeks prior to the actual holiday, it will be my favorite. It will be calm and peaceful. No one will be rushed to get to the next location. I won’t spend the entire day wishing I were somewhere else. My children will have the opportunity to actually enjoy their gifts—and the loved ones who have provided them—instead of just watching a blur of wrapping paper fly by on our way out the door.

Christmas Eve is the worst. On a night that should be peaceful and warm, we start off at one of the coldest places on earth—my mother-in-law’s house. Then we all go to his grandmother’s house until it’s too late to enjoy leaving cookies for Santa. I never have the opportunity to sprinkle reindeer food for Rudolph with my children. I never get to enjoy reading a Christmas story in our new pajamas. We don’t sip a cup of cocoa after we’ve hung our stockings. By the time we get home they are too exhausted to do anything but whine.

It’s not that I begrudge him the opportunity to see his family. I don’t begrudge our families the time with us—or let’s be honest, our three children. I just want the opportunity to create holiday memories with my children that don’t center around the perplexing puzzle of fitting everything in the trunk. I want our own traditions, our own time as a family, and memories that my children will look back on and smile.

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3
That Would Be Soothing
Dec 01, 2005 | Filed Under: Hectic Holidays, Just Because, Sibling Love

As my sisters and I gathered around the calming vibrations bouncy seat to ooh and ahh over Her Royal Cuteness, middle sis proved she is, indeed, a natural blonde. We’re all silently admiring the beautiful sleeping baby when she suddenly blurts out, “I wish I had a vibrator!”

You know what she’s getting for Christmas.

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2
It’s All Relative
Nov 28, 2005 | Filed Under: DVR It, Family Ties, Hectic Holidays, Picky Eater, Sibling Love

Well, I survived Turducken Day. I’m thinking of making a shirt. Certain family members were predictably annoying, and we all left reeking of a perfume that makes me ill, but no one started yelling and I didn’t accidentally almost punch anyone. Success!

We arrived at my aunt’s just in time to eat so I missed the fun of dinner preparations—which sucks because this year they had the added bonus of watching the chefs get totally plastered. I did, however, get drunk-dialed by my mom so I got to feel the love. My brother and his fiance spent the entire day with her family and arrived late, but at least I got to spend a little time with him.

I did, however, have a very fun and happy Black Friday! Mom and I were joined this year by my sister, her roommate, and my cousin’s wife. Everything took a lot longer since we had to reunite and checkout at every store, but it was loads of fun. We’d Marco-Polo until we all found one another and then head to the checkouts, where I would usually leave my mother to pay for my items while I went to the car to nurse the baby. She was an excellent shopper—you gotta start ’em young!

I caught up on the entire season of Related with my sis. I also got the hubby to create a ringtone out of the theme song for me. It’s very fitting, especially considering the weekend we just had.

I hope you all had a happy and safe holiday weekend, and I leave you now with my new family theme song:

I hate you, I love you.
You know too much about me.
I have to just kill you,
but then who’d tell me how to live?
Don’t tell me how to live.
Just tell me I’m alright.
Just shutup—why do I ask you anyway?

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3
How Funky Is Your Chicken?
Nov 20, 2005 | Filed Under: Family Ties, Hectic Holidays, Picky Eater

We are not hosting a Thanksgiving feast this year, though I will be cooking a turkey. We are having lunch at hubby’s grandparents and dinner at my aunt’s house, where there will be no turkey. My cousins are always coming up with some weird turkey concoction to try.

The first time it was a Cajun-injected turkey. For our next dinner he was going to fry a turkey in under 30 minutes! I roasted mine and had the entire dinner ready and waiting for his turkey to be finished 4 hours later! This year we will have the pleasure of dining on Turducken—Turkey-Duck-Hen—a chicken stuffed in a duck stuffed in a turkey. I only wish I were joking.

Since this “uniquely American development” requires 12 to 13 hours to roast, I will not have access to an oven. To solve the problem, I bought a roaster ovenlast night. The advantage of my new purchase is that it will double as a buffet server for a few of our side dishes once the turkey is removed for carving. Now to figure out how I’ll bake the vile green bean casserole concoction that has somehow become a yearly tradition.

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0
Brenia: My Baby Comed Out!
Nov 05, 2005 | Filed Under: Baby Making, Dictated By..., Sibling Love

My baby sister Lorelai comed out! She comed out, and she’s not going back in!

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